Can't reach you
by Cassisgummi
Summary: Orga has feelings for Mikazuki, but it's not that simple. OrgMika Yaoi
1. The Kiss

Hello! Yes it's been a while since I wrote a fanfic... but I couldn't resist.

This is planned to be a three part series that progresses through the anime episodes. This first one takes place just post Ep 13, Season 1. It's all in my favorite genre of angst as I dunno, I don't think this pairing could ever be totally happy if we take all the stuff that happens with Mika and other people in the anime as cannon. (And his personality and outlook on romantic relationships.)

* * *

It didn't take too long for the gossip to reach Orga's ears. Pretty much everyone had heard by the next afternoon what had happened between Kudelia and Mikazuki.

"Apparently they kissed!"

"Whoa really? Man, Mikazuki-san's really getting in there! What a man!"

"D-do you think they did...other stuff?"

"Huh? Like that?"

"Y-you know..."

Orga managed to walk by to overhear the conversation by some of the younger boys. Infact, it had been the 3rd time today he had heard someone talk about the happenings between the black haired boy and the princess, though it had ranged from they hugged to they had full blown sex and everything inbetween.

It did sound a bit like simple gossip with no ground to it, like what happened a lot here but for some reason it made him irritated. He was aware it was unreasonable for him to feel this way, as Mikazuki's best friend he should be happy that his friend seemed to be developing a romantic relationship with someone. But it was bugging him and as the day went on, his mood was being eaten away more and more by the feeling in his chest and by evening people seemed to get wind of his mood and were trying to avoid him.

Orga felt like that was a good thing- he wasn't in any mood to talk to anyone anyway as he probably would end up snapping at them and he knew that wasn't fair. He pretty much locked himself in his office, only engaging in the minimum verbal contact with others when it was absolutely necessary.

 _Get a grip on yourself... This isn't what real men do..._

He waited until everyone had eaten to go and grab some food, not that he really felt hungry even though he hadn't eaten all day. He just felt like it would be bad to go all day without so out of necessity rather than need he made his way down to the canteen.

Atra handed him the tray she seemed to have dished up prior specially for him, like she knew he was going to be late. Well it wasn't too unusual he didn't eat the same time with others. She had a weird look on her face too and an uneasy, awkward air around her. Like she was pretending everything was okay but it wasn't. Like she knew she had no right to be upset or anything but couldn't feel like that from the bottom of the heart.

 _You and me both huh? Though I guess she probably has more right than me to feel like this..._

Atra was hovering around idly as Orga ate.

 _This is kinna awkward in another way..._

"Hey Atra, you can go. I'll wash up after myself, don't worry about it."

"Are you sure? It's no problem I can..."

"Nah, I might be a while so go ahead."

"O...okay..."

Now he was alone, he let out a slow sigh. When did it become like this? He had never imagined he'd be left feeling like this till now.

 _You knew one day this would happen. It's meant to happen. We are almost adults now._

He knew this. He thought he knew this. He thought he had been prepared for it too, though maybe not so suddenly...

"Here you are."

Mikazuki's voice cut through his thoughts. Orga looked up from his plate he had been staring at for a while now.

"Mika."

"Orga."

The white haired man's heart jolted painfully when their eyes met. He had successfully avoided the other the whole day but well time was up, he had to face him now. They simply spent the next few moments in silence, Orga's hand still toying with the food on his plate with the fork.

"...you were looking for me?"

He finally said to break the silence as he looked away and down to his plate.

"Didn't see you all today. You really busy?"

"...yeah... I guess...I was..."

 _Why do you look so normal? Like nothing changed?_

"I see."

Orga put down his fork and got up to throw the food away. It was a waste but at the same time he knew he wasn't going to eat anymore of it. After hastily washing up, he turned to leave but Mikazuki stood in his way.

"Why are you angry?"

"H-huh? What do you mean? I'm fine."

"No, Orga you are angry about something."

"I'm not."

"You are angry with me."

This guy was unbelievable. How did he see through the taller man's heart like that? They had only exchanged a few words... It made him feel so vulnerable, weak.

"I'm not."

"You are."

Orga shook his head, walking around Mikazuki and towards his room. He had just reached his door and was about to open the door when a hand grabbed his sleeve from behind. Mikazuki had followed him. Bright blue eyes locked onto his own and he felt even more vulnerable, like he couldn't get away.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

He knew what Mikazuki was asking but he didn't want to answer.

"Why are you angry with me?"

"...it's nothing."

Orga mumbled as he pulled his arm to break free so he could go into his room. He didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. He'll be fine by tomorrow. He could act like everything was okay if he was given one night.

 _Please, please leave me alone for today before I say something I'll regret..._

"Tell me."

" **No**."

Orga growled, shaking Mikazuki's hand from his sleeve roughly and opening the door to his room and darting in. He should have known the shorter boy would follow him, as "Personal Space" wasn't an entry in Mikazuki's dictionary.

"I don't like Orga being like this."

Mikazuki frowned as the door shut behind them. Orga had his back to him now, his shoulders were shaking slightly.

"We... can't always have what we want, Mika."

Came the uncharacteristic reply from the tall man. What did he mean?

"That's not the sort of thing Orga says."

"...well it is now. And... you should go and get what you can get and develop them. Spend...more time with her rather than bother with me."

Mikazuki's frown deepened. What was his friend on about?

"Cos you want a wife and kids and stuff in the future right? We... aren't gonna live forever so you probably should start relationships when you see the chance."

He had no idea why his friend was saying all this now, it seemed so out of character for Orga. They had never spoken about stuff like this infact.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"I'm talking about Kudelia."

Orga's voice was shaking. Why was it shaking? Why wouldn't he turn around and look this way?

"What about her?"

" **DON'T ACT DUMB NOW MIKA! WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!** "

 _Oh._

Mikazuki tilted his head to one side. So Orga was for some reason angry that he had kissed Kudelia. But why? Was he not meant to have done that? Should he have asked Orga beforehand? He did own Mikazuki's life, afterall. Mikazuki wasn't all that knowledgeable about romance and stuff like that, he was just doing stuff on instinct. Was that wrong?

"If Orga doesn't want me to kiss anyone anymore, I won't do it."

So it was just a kiss. He knew Mikazuki wouldn't lie to him as he had no need to. He felt a strange mixture of relief that it wasn't anything else and a searing pain as he had now received confirmation rumors were true. It hurt now more than it did before. A fresh, raw pain like his heart had been pierced and he was bleeding.

" **THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!** "

Orga turned to face Mikazuki, to the pilot his friend looked like he was crying. Not on the outside, but his eyes looked so pained... He didn't like that look. It didn't suit Orga.

" **I DON'T WA-** "

Orga's words were cut off suddenly as Mikazuki closed the space between them, pulling the taller man down and crushing their lips against eachother. Even the black haired boy didn't know why he did that. He just felt like it was the right thing to do. Kissing felt good and he thought it might ease the pain Orga seemed to be feeling at that moment.

They stayed connected for a few moments before the tanned man shoved the other off him.

"W...what are you doing Mika?"

"I kissed you."

"I know that... but why?"

"...I thought it might make you feel better."

The words felt the acid being poured into his wounded heart. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't know what to say. Should he shout? Cry? Why was Mikazuki so casual about it?

"Did you not want me to? I like you Orga. If this makes you feel better I'm happy to kiss you anytime."

"...Mika..."

Orga closed his eyes, taking in a long, shaking breath. They were not on the same page. But he knew this would probably be an issue from before, anyway. Mikazuki didn't seem to think of relationships in the same way as everyone else.

"Please... leave me alone for today..."

He managed to choke out. It was hard to breathe. What he wanted was infront of him but at the same time, it wasn't what he wanted. And he knew now he probably never will have what he wanted. It was hard to accept.

" _ **Please**_ Mika."

Mikazuki studied him for a moment before turning and leaving, the door closing with a click. Orga sank onto his bed, feeling numb. What had just happened? Oh right, Mikazuki had kissed him. But apparently that's what he did to make people he cared about feel better. Meaning it was nothing specially romantic or anything. And in Mikazuki's heart was he on the same level as that woman? His mind felt like an unrecognizable mess.

"W...why Mika..."

Orga Itsuka now realized he was ensnared in the trap of emotions known as Mikazuki Argus and saw no way out.

* * *

What did you think? Let me know via review~ And it just gets more murky from here XD


	2. Deeper

Part 2 is finally done! Let me know what you thought! Somehow it all went less angsty then I planned but uh...I guess there's time to get more depressing in the last part lol This chapter happens around EP.18~19ish of season 1 and starts around the Ku-Atr-Mika hug thing at the end of Ep18.

* * *

"You're pretty amazing, Kudelia."

"Even Orga can't do things like that."

His words seeped into the wounds, barely healed from the 'Kiss Incident', like venom (which they never spoke of and Orga pretended didn't happen. Both of them carried on acting like they always did towards each other.)

Orga could feel the bud, which had grown from all his feelings in the last week, start to slowly unfurl into the ugly, bitter flower named Jealousy.

 _So she does one thing and she's a goddess, huh?_

He wondered if Mikazuki had forgotten that there was a high chance his friend had heard the whole conversation between him and the girls. He had run into Mikazuki on the way to the canteen (as he had a quick few minutes to grab something to eat before going to see Naze) and they had exchanged greetings before Mikazuki told him that he had to go and find the girls quickly and excused himself. Unfortunately, against his better judgement, curiosity led him to follow and he ended up witnessing the whole scene.

 _How much more do you fucking want me to do to keep being your everything? Pull more fucking miracles? I'm sorry I'm not a fucking noble who can negotiate. I'm sorry I'm a shit leader and not the perfection you want me to be._

The white haired man turned and walked away when the three hugged. That awkward hug. Okay, Mikazuki was building a harem or something. Whatever. It didn't matter to him. It really didn't.

 **The boys at CGS's favourite past-time (the little they had) was to talk about girls. Of course, there weren't any at the company, but that didn't stop the teenagers from sharing their ideals and all the stories of encounters that obviously never happened. Orga never bothered joining in, mainly because it didn't interest him one bit.**

 _ **"Heyyy Orga, what about you?" Eugene turned to him.**_

 _ **They were all sitting in their dorm before lights out and as usual, the subject turned to girls (or something like that). Orga had switched off from the group conversation at some point and had ended up having a (sort of) staring match with Mikazuki, who was snacking as usual and staring at him at the same time from his bed, while Orga was sat on the floor, his side casually lent against the shorter boy's bunk.**_

 _ **"H-Huh?" Orga blinked, looking away from those sharp blue eyes to look at the other boys. Clearly, his face had confusion written all over it, as they all burst into laughter.**_

 _ **"We were talking about getting a girlfriend, Orga. Like, you know, your type, what kinda girl you see yourself with and that stuff." Shino explained, raising a brow. "Though with Mikazuki stuck to you like that, it might be hard I guess. Would kinda be a bit of a cock-block to have you and your friend come as a set..."**_

 _ **Orga shrugged. It had always been just him and Mikazuki and it never bothered him, nor did he desire to be with anyone else. He was content with fulfilling the promise they made with each other to be together forever.**_

 _ **"Dunno. Not that fussed about girls, to be honest."**_

 _ **"Man, don't be so boring!" One of the other boys joined in.**_

 _ **"You always say that, Orga. I swear you might as well marry Mikazuki at this rate!"**_

 _ **Orga knew it was a light hearted joke, so he shrugged again.**_

 _ **"Could do. Would stop you guys pestering me about girls then?" He replied with a grin.**_

 _ **The other boys burst into laughter and Eugene rolled his eyes, shaking his head. They soon picked up the conversation again between them and Orga wondered if he should go to bed.**_

 _ **"If Orga wants to, we could."**_

 _ **Mikazuki's voice made Orga look up.**_

 _ **"Huh?"**_

 _ **"Get married. We are going to be together all the time anyway, so it makes sense."**_

 _ **"Uh..."**_

 _ **Orga understood what Mikazuki meant, only because Mikazuki's thought processes were simple, yet so messed up at the same time. Orga seemed to be one of the only few people who understood what Mikazuki really meant with those few words and it made him smile. Mikazuki meant Orga was a special person to him.**_

 _ **"Well... I don't know if it's possible to get married..."**_

 _ **"Why?"**_

 _ **"Because we are both guys and you can only get married to women..."**_

 _ **"Oh. But I don't want be with some woman, I want to be with Orga."**_

 _ **"Uh... thanks? But I mean, when you are older, you'll feel differently. Probably."**_

 _ **"No."**_

 _ **Those unblinking eyes were fixed on him again. They always were. Waiting for his decision. Waiting for an answer. Orga ran his hand through his hair a little awkwardly, thinking about how to settle this, as the younger boy would just carry on waiting for him to come up with a solution.**_

 _ **"...But I guess we can pretty much say we are, huh? Just... not on paper."**_

 _ **"Not on paper?"**_

 _ **"Like, we can't actually get married, like, wear a white dress and get registered and stuff. But what matters is the bond between us, right?"**_

 _ **"Yeah, okay. I like that."**_

 _ **It took weeks to explain to Mikazuki after that, about not telling everyone that they "were married, but not on paper", because they would think he was odd.**_

 _Well, I guess that was back then. This is now. He has every right to change his mind now that he's older..._

He knew that. Or, at least he thought he did. But really, he couldn't accept it and the feeling in his chest just wouldn't go away.

"Orga?"

Biscuit's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked round. Biscuit gave him one of his looks, the one that said he wanted to say something but decided not to after a moment.

"Nase-san's calling for you. He wants to talk about everything that went down earlier."

"Y-Yeah."

Biscuit studied him for a moment.

"... Are you alright? You... seem a bit off recently. Did you fight with Mika or something?"

 _Shit. Was I that obvious? What the hell is wrong with me, getting personal issues mixed in with everything else?_

"I'm...fine. It's not like that."

"...Really?" Biscuit asked doubtfully, clearly not falling for the shoddy lie.

Orga closed his eyes, took a deep breath and slowly opened them again, neutralising any negative expression he may have had before.

 _I need to act like everything is okay. For everyone._

"...Yeah. Let's go."

Orga returned to his room a while later, once the meeting was over. He pulled off his jacket and threw it on the chair by the door. He felt so worn out. He needed to sleep. Sleep, so he could wake up tomorrow and hopefully do a better job of covering up his moods. He walked over to his bed, only to find there was someone already laying on it.

"Mika."

 _Great. Why is he here?_

Mikazuki looked at Orga and pushed himself up, sitting on the bed.

"Orga."

"Why are you here?" The taller man asked as he undid the bandana around his neck and tossed it on the floor, where all his clothes usually lived at night. He tried to keep his voice sounding as neutral as possible.

"Because you're angry with me again."

Orga took a deep breath. It was this conversation they had last time all over again.

"What makes you think that?" He asked, aware of his voice wavering slightly.

"Because of how you walked away in the hall way earlier."

So Mikazuki knew he was there. Knowing that made Orga more agitated than he was before. He could hear his pulse rising as his emotions rose, his logical side trying to diffuse the explosion threatening to happen.

"It... doesn't matter Mika. Just... leave me alone. I'm going to bed." He uttered in a quiet voice.

He pulled off his belt and threw it down on top of the bandana he had discarded a few moments before, to show he was getting ready to undress, though that didn't make the black haired pilot feel like he had to excuse himself in the slightest.

"No." Came the blunt reply.

Orga slowly exhaled, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at Mikazuki, who was staring right at him.

"Well-"

"No. I don't like this, Orga."

"And?" He could feel the lump at his throat. It was hard to breathe.

"I don't like this. Feels... like Orga is far away."

 _So you want me to be there and play your supportive best friend while you build a harem? Don't be so fucking selfish. Leave me alone._

"So... how do you want us to be?"

"Together."

"...You don't even fucking know what you are saying, Mika."

"...I do. I think." Mikazuki sounded like he was thinking about it as he spoke. "I don't want you to go somewhere and... it feels like you are trying to."

"I ain't going anywhere."

"What do you want me to do, Orga? How can we fix this?"

 _He asks like it's so fucking simple... We can fix this by you liking me the same fucking way I like you, but that's not gonna happen is it?_

Orga couldn't help but laugh to himself bitterly.

"You can't give me what I want, Mika. You don't get it."

"I'll give Orga anything he wants. Just tell me what you want."

 _That same bloody line again. It's not the time for that crap..._

"I want you, Mika. I want you."

 _I want you to only look at me. I want your heart._

Orga didn't know why he was saying this to his friend when he knew it was useless. What Mikazuki was offering and what he wanted were totally different things. He knew that. But now words had started to spill from his mouth along with the emotions he had been trying to push back, it wasn't stopping.

"You have me."

"I DON'T!" Citrine orbs now glared at Mikazuki. " **GODDAMN IT MIKA**! You are **REALLY** fucking with my brain; why do you have to do this to me? Do you understand how hard it is for me? I like you. I always have. And I get it. You are you. You aren't mine. I get that."

"I am yours. I have been Orga's since that day." Mikazuki frowned. Why was Orga saying such weird things suddenly?

"No."

"Yes."

 **"NO."**

 **"Yes."**

Orga took a few steps forward till he was standing in front of the bed, his heart beating rapidly against his chest. He reached out suddenly, grabbing Mikazuki by his collar and almost off the bed, pulling him up until they were face to face.

"You seriously think you know what you are talking about?" He asked, his voice and hands shaking.

"Yes."

Orga pulled Mikazuki into him at those words, crushing their lips together into a heated, emotionally charged kiss. The other boy kissed him back, his hands going up to Orga's shoulders and jerking them closer together.

They broke away only when they ran out of breath and Orga dropped the hold on the other's collar.

 _Shit..._

It was the opposite of what Orga knew he was meant to be doing. He was meant to be de-tangling himself from Mikazuki, not getting even more deeply involved in this emotional mess. But he couldn't look away from those eyes, the ones that seemed to have a slightly different look to usual. He was about to straighten up, when a hand grabbed the front of his vest and pulled him forward roughly. He lost his balance, falling onto his own bed and ending up on top of Mikazuki, hastily managing to place his arms on either side of him, just barely supporting his weight.

"Mika-"

"Don't run from me, Orga." Mikazuki said quietly, but firmly.

 _Did he always sound like this?_

His voice also sounded different, tinged with an emotion even Orga had not seen before.

"You can't."

The fist balled up in Orga's vest pulled harder and their lips met again. Snapping of threads breaking under the strain of being pulled were heard from the fabric of his top and when Mikazuki finally let go, one shoulder loosely dropped down Orga's shoulder. Orga broke the kiss to take the garment off and tossed it on the floor. There was a part of his mind, which was still sane, telling him this was the worst idea ever, but it was being slowly drowned out by his emotions.

Mikazuki reached out to pull Orga in again but before he could, the taller man lent in, his lips brushing against the other's neck, before his teeth slowly sank into skin, sucking on the flesh, earning a small shift of Mikazuki's shoulder, showing that he had not expected that.

With one hand, Orga pulled Mikazuki's jacket away from his shoulder, exposing more skin as he trailed more kiss-bites down the pale skin. Dark red marks were scattered down the pilot's neck and shoulder and Orga traced them with a finger. It was going to be pretty hard to hide them later. He couldn't deny it made him feel an odd happiness to know he marked Mikazuki.

His other hand went down to undo his friend's belt, before loosening his trousers and with his thumb, dragging the waistband down, taking his underwear down with it down over his hips. Mikazuki voluntarily wriggled out of them, kicking the lump of clothing off the bed and falling on top of his boots that he seemed to have removed earlier, when he first got onto the bed.

Orga moved his head down Mikazuki's body, stopping at his Adonis belt and dragging his tongue down it, his teeth grazing the wet skin. As soon as he did so, he was met with a small twitch of the hips, showing Mikazuki's surprise, which made Orga smirk a little to himself.

He moved across to Mikazuki's already fully erected cock and took it into his mouth. He wrapped his lips around the shaft, running his tongue against the heated skin. He could hear Mikazuki's breathing start to get more erratic as he moved his head, encouraging him to suck harder.

It was Orga's first time doing anything like this to anyone, so he simply acted on instinct, only pulling away when Mikazuki's hips started to jerk and twitch on its own. He could tell it meant the other was close to orgasm. He could hear Mikazuki slowly breathe out when he did so, followed by shallow pants. Was that why he had been so quiet? It seemed he had been holding his breath. He studied the man laid out below him, eyes hazy and half lidded with lust, lips partially open, laboured breaths shaking his chest; arms just about managing to prop himself up enough on the bed as he couldn't lay down totally flat on his back. He had never seen Mikazuki like this before and he couldn't deny that it was really, really sexy.

Orga traced those lips with a finger before pushing two digits inside. He could feel Mikazuki's tongue wrapping around them, sucking on them lustfully before he pulled them out. His fingers went down in between his friend's legs as he used his other hand to pull Mikazuki's legs apart a bit more.

Circling Mikazuki's entrance a few times with his slicked fingers, Orga slowly pushed them inside. Muscles tightened around the intrusion and he pulled them out an inch before pushing them in again, going a little deeper. He wrapped his other hand around Mikazuki's erection, timing the thrusts of his fingers with his hand, pumping up and down.

Orga felt the other start to relax a bit around his fingers, so took that as a sign to push deeper inside, all the way up to his knuckles. When he did so, he felt Mikazuki gasp loudly and jolt, his whole body tense up suddenly, his hips arching as he came, cum splattering on his own stomach.

Orga slowly pulled out his fingers, releasing Mikazuki's still hard cock.

"...Are you alright?" He asked softly as Mikazuki had a look of surprise on his slightly flushed face.

"Yeah..." Mikazuki breathlessly replied. "It... suddenly felt really good. My body went really weird."

"Ah..."

Orga wasn't too sure what happened but he guessed it was a good thing? He had just done as he felt, based on rumours and things that he had heard (but pretended not to care about) without any prior experience in anything sexual, so he was relieved that it seemed like he was doing it correctly.

Mikazuki sat up now, moving his fingers through the pool of semen on his own stomach. It coated his fingers, running down them. Orga couldn't help thinking how lewd Mikazuki looked at that moment.

"Sit down there, Orga. On the edge of the bed." He said simply and the white haired man obeyed, wondering what was going on.

"Pull down your trousers."

Orga's trousers and boxers pooled around his ankles moments later. Mikazuki moved over, wrapping his cum soaked hand over Orga's erection.

"Mika, what-?!"

Orga didn't have much time to say anything else as Mikazuki gave a few quick rubs, coating the other's length in the white liquid before he saddled him, his clean hand holding his friend's shoulder for support while lowering himself onto his cock.

"Fuck...!"

Orga breathed in sharply, supporting them both with his arm on the bed so they didn't fall backwards. The tight heat wrapped around him was like nothing he had felt before. They stayed still for a few moments before Mikazuki started to move his hips, building a steady rhythm as his free hand went to Orga's lips and pushed themselves inside like Orga had done to him a few minutes ago.

Orga obediently sucked on them, tasting the musk that probably was Mikazuki's.

"Orga looks really erotic like that."

He could hear the smirk in the pilot's voice. The fingers were soon replaced with the other's lips as the speed he was moving in had increased and Orga couldn't help but groan into their open mouthed kisses.

Mikazuki's scent, his warmth, the feel of their skin slapping against each other, the searing pleasure; it was all threatening to consume Orga whole. He started to thrust up against Mikazuki, his movements becoming more and more desperate and hard, until he orgasmed, spilling inside him.

Orga collapsed back onto the bed, breathless, closing his eyes.

"Orga, look at me."

Mikazuki's words made him open them again and saw the other had saddled his chest and taken hold of one of his hands that had dropped to his side and wrapped it around Mikazuki's cock, using his own hand to move Orga's, tightening the grip on it. With a few strokes, he had come for a second time, white liquid splattering all over Orga's face and chest.

 _What the fuck have I done..._

Orga sat awake for a long time afterwards. Mikazuki on the other hand, after vaguely cleaning up, had curled up next to Orga and fell asleep almost immediately.

He was meant to have accepted that Mikazuki had become involved with someone else and moved on, but instead... this happened. They had gone to the next level, probably a line that should never have been crossed in this situation. But he also knew that the two of them doing this wasn't going to change the growing relationship between Mikazuki and Kudelia. He sighed, burying his face into his hands.

He knew deep inside he couldn't just give up on Mikazuki. He couldn't stay away, he couldn't watch what was going on and act like nothing was wrong.

"Mika... how do I reach you...?"


	3. Tear

Sorry this took a while! I...kind of got sucked into the FFXIV new expansion and didn't do anything else for ages XD BUT! Now it's done! \o/ Thank you to everyone who gave kudos and reviewed, it makes me happy to get feedback! Here is the final chapter of this fic! I'm kind of thinking about writing another one, a longer AU/Next life series that's set after this one but not too sure yet ww

This chapter is set around ep 46-47ish at the start to ep 49. Some lines spoken are lifted from the episodes, translated by me.

* * *

Orga gripped the metal hand railing in front of him, his legs almost giving away as he orgasmed. Mikazuki's hands gripped his waist from behind, holding him steady and thrusting into him one more time before he stayed still, his hips twitching as he also reached his limit. Their ragged, harsh breaths filled the dimly lit hangar.

"You okay, Orga?"

Mikazuki asked as he slowly pulled out, only releasing hold of Orga's waist when he thought his friend wouldn't fall straight to the floor. The white haired man nodded, lowering himself onto the floor of the walkway and leaning against the metal fence.

This probably wasn't the most ideal place for them to be doing things like this, out in the open where anyone could walk in. And actually, in the last six months, two people had. A month ago it was Yamagi, who froze after a few steps, caught wind of what was happening, turned his heel and walked straight back out without a word. Then it was Hush, who got an eyeful of the two in a rather compromising position, stared dumbstruck for a good few moments before turning bright red and mumbling excuses of why he was there, jumbled with apologies as he ran out.

It would be nice to have more privacy, but now Mikazuki could only move freely when connected to Barbatos. This was the only real option they had, as there was no way both could fit inside the cockpit comfortably and have space to move around.

Ever since that day a few years ago, their relationship had become more and more ambiguous. Were they lovers? Friends? Sex friends? They had sex quite often, but neither of them made any move to take it any further than that, nor did they ever speak about how they felt towards each other or anything like that. Outside their sex sessions, it wasn't like they acted any different to before either.

Orga knew deep inside he wasn't happy with the way things were, but at the same time he found himself unable to push Mikazuki away. It seemed Mikazuki didn't sleep with anyone else or even show a vague interest in doing so with the two women Orga tried to avoid thinking about, in regards to Mikazuki. Was it the black haired man's way of showing his love for Orga? Did Mikazuki really like him romantically or was this just an extension of all the things he was willing to do because of his sworn loyalty?

 _I'm so fucking pathetic... How long are we gonna keep this up for? Am I ever gonna do something about all this? Make him understand how I feel? Or are we gonna just be fuck buddies until we die?_

Orga wanted to know. He wanted to ask all these years, but he never could. He'd chicken out; the words would die before they left his lips. He was scared of finding out and ruining the connection they had formed. Even if he was totally in love with Mikazuki since before he had even noticed, he wouldn't want to carry on sleeping with someone who was only doing it because it was an order. He liked to think that even he had some pride left in that department, even if the whole situation said differently.

"Orga?"

Orga had been idly putting his trousers back on, when Mikazuki's voice cut into his thoughts.

"H-Huh?"

"You sure you're okay?" Mikazuki tilted his head peering into his face. In the time Orga had been miles away, he had put his clothes back on and was now standing in front of him.

"Yeah... sorry. Guess I'm a bit tired." Running a hand through his slightly dishevelled hair, Orga looked up at the man standing before him. Tired was an understatement with all the things that had gone on and all that they had lost recently, but when the two were connected, it felt like everything else was far away just for that time.

"What is it, Mika?"

The shorter man looked like he was thinking of what to say. Orga knew him long enough to be able to read most of his very slight changes in expression. Some people said Mikazuki lacked a wide range of facial expressions, but to Orga it was pretty easy to tell how the other was feeling. The faint glint in his eyes when he was happy, the soft glaze when he was daydreaming, the sharp and intense look when he was concentrating, the slight shift of his brow when he was being sarcastic, the slow blink he did when he was sleepy, the half lidded, lust filled look when he was deep in ecstasy... Orga knew them all. They were all faces of Mikazuki no one else saw and he cherished them.

"Atra wanted a baby. So we tried making one."

Even though Orga probably should have expected something like this at some point, it still hit him like a sucker punch.

"W-What?" He uttered before he could stop himself.

"I think...it worked. Dunno yet for sure. But I thought I should tell you before anyone else." Mikazuki carried on. It seemed he had interpreted Orga's surprise slightly differently.

"Oh...I see..." Orga replied. A thousand thoughts overloaded his head and he didn't know how to process it all. It was like his heart had decided to disconnect from his mind due to the strain.

"I thought it might be good to have around. You like babies, Orga?"

"I...guess? Not really seen many to be honest...so...dunno..."

"Well, you can see mine and decide?"

"Yeah..."

"You're not gonna have any babies, Orga?"

"... And who do you think I would have a kid with?"

"Well... maybe Kudelia?"

Orga laughed hollowly at the suggestion. This whole thing was becoming less and less real to him as the conversation went on. Was he dreaming? Was this some fucked up hallucination caused by stress?

"I also don't really want any."

"Hmm, I see..."

Orga was answering with whatever came out of his mouth at the time, not really able to pay full attention to the bizarre pillow-talk they were having. Half of him was screaming and breaking down inside, while the other stayed oddly calm to match his outward expression. His heart was racing, but his breathing was unusually slow and steady.

"And I wanted to-"

"I was gonna say something too, Mika." Orga suddenly cut in. Mikazuki looked at him questioningly.

"I was thinking...I don't want us to have sex anymore." The words spilled from Orga's mouth, his logical side attempting to put some sort of reign on the chaos inside his head. It was the sensible thing to say. If Mikazuki was going to have a child, even an orphan like himself knew it was a bad family set up, if the said father was sleeping with some other guy. And it meant he now had reason to tear himself away from Mikazuki, whether his heart actually wanted to or not.

"Why?"

Orga stood up now, straightening out his clothes and picking his jacket up off the floor. He shrugged casually as he slung the red garment over one shoulder.

"Been thinking it a while now."

Today he was better at lying than usual. Maybe because right now, he felt totally numb.

"Is that what Orga wants?"

Even though Mikazuki had locked eyes with him, Orga didn't falter. It was like the dying screams of his heart were being blocked out by a wall.

"Yeah."

"...Okay."

It seemed Mikazuki had been trying to judge if Orga had been sincere about what he said and had come to the conclusion that his friend was serious.

"Night, Mika."

Orga walked away with a wave and down the bridge, towards the direction of his own room.

"Night, Orga."

Once he got back to his own room, Orga flopped on his bed, still clothed, staring up at the bare ceiling.

 _I did the right thing for once._  
 _It was for the best._  
 _It's a good thing I never made him actually try and understand how I feel._  
 _It would have held him back from what he wanted._  
 _I have no right to stop Mikazuki doing what he wants in life._  
 _I'm actually not feeling as bad as I thought I would._

 _I'm okay._

And he thought he was. His chest wasn't hurting like when he saw Mikazuki with the two those years ago. It wasn't burning. No agonising pain that made him feel like screaming. Instead, it felt empty, like someone had shoved their hand inside his chest, pulled his heart out and walked away with it, leaving a gaping hole, an empty void. Orga's right hand idly traced his own chest over his heart.

 _I guess Mika has it..._

 _...to be honest he can keep it, I don't want it anymore...  
It just gets in my way. _

And by next day, Orga had more things to worry about than his non-existent love life. He had to think of a way to protect his family, as so many people were counting on him to give the right orders. He gave his speech in front of the whole of Tekkadan and their response pushed him to work harder. He only had one purpose and he had to fulfil it, no matter what happened to him. He was like an empty shell being auto-piloted, and that one purpose was the only thing keeping him moving.

Mikazuki on the other hand, was restless. There was something bothering him, but he wasn't sure what it was. There was a gut feeling that something wasn't right, like he had made a mistake somewhere or forgotten something, but he couldn't put his finger on it. It also felt like the times when he was really hungry, but eating had not fixed the problem, and it was starting to irritate him. It was the first time he had ever felt this way, so he was at loss as to what was going on with himself. Maybe he was getting sick?

There was also the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about Orga. He wasn't sure why, but the other man wouldn't leave his mind for the past day. He had sat down in front of Barbatos, reading about farming on his handheld, but he could hardly concentrate on one of the things he usually liked doing, his mind going back to their conversation the day before.

 _I wonder why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore... was it boring?_  
 _I guess I'm not a woman , maybe that's why?_  
 _Maybe he prefers girls?_  
 _They smell nice and are soft, I guess... but Orga always said he wasn't interested..._

 _He said he wanted me, so what changed?_

Usually, anything Orga ordered him to do, Mikazuki could obey without a doubt in his mind. His words were absolute and he never felt any objection to anything the white-haired man would say, when he meant it. This time Orga definitely had meant what he said. But at the same time, Mikazuki felt like he didn't want to accept his words. This again, was a first, and it confused him.

 _Maybe I really am sick..._

He also noticed something was different about Orga. It was nothing clear or obvious, but he had been with Orga most of his life, so knew instinctively. It felt like Orga was going to disappear. Mikazuki had no grounds for this feeling, but it bothered him a lot.

Orga had this odd, ethereal air around him, like he wasn't actually there, like he was actually a vision about to vanish soon without a trace. And Mikazuki didn't want that. He wasn't going to let that happen. He told himself he had to keep an extra close eye on Orga, so he wouldn't go away somewhere like he feared.

Kudelia came to speak to him an hour later and after making the promise that he needed to make with her, he found himself diverting the conversation to being about Orga and how he felt about the man without meaning to.

"The reason I'm still here is because of that promise I made with Orga."

Kudelia didn't seem to fully understand though she politely listened, but then he didn't expect her to. No one could; speaking about their relationship and bond out loud made him truly realise it was unique. He couldn't imagine existing beside anyone else.

"The place Orga is...is where I belong."

 _Oh... I know...this is why it feels weird. Because Orga's walking away from me. I just need to catch up again. Somehow._

When Orga came to speak to Mikazuki, before he set off to Chryse the following morning, the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach was back. It wasn't often that he felt worried about something, but he just felt like he shouldn't let Orga go by himself.

"Look, it's not like you can just go charging into the city with Barbatos, can you?"

"Yeah, but..." Mikazuki felt like he should have been saying something. Something to make Orga change his mind, make their relationship go back to what it was before and get rid of this uncomfortable feeling, but he found himself not knowing what to say. Instead, he found himself reluctantly agreeing to lend his most important person his gun, as a substitute for himself.

"Orga. Make sure you give that back to me." He felt like if he made Orga promise, then it would ensure he came back to him.

"Yeah I know Mika, don't worry so much." Orga smiled a little and reached out his hand to touch Mikazuki affectionately, in attempt to comfort him and stopped dead the moment his fingers touched the pilot's hair. He drew it back slowly, closing his eyes as he inhaled slowly.

"...Sorry. Bad habit." He uttered almost inaudibly, as he exhaled a pained sigh. When he opened his eyes again, Mikazuki saw the flash of pain flash across those golden orbs, before a sad smile appeared on his lips. Mikazuki frowned and grabbed the retreating hand.

"Why do you do that?" He tightened his grip on Orga's wrist, as he tried to pull away from his grasp.

"...What?"

"Why do you stop yourself touching me?"

"Because..."

"If you want to, you should."

"Let go, Mika..."

"No."

"Because I shouldn't, Mika."

Orga's voice was quiet, almost like he was pleading.

"It's...not what friends do. However close we are. That sort of thing is...should be... reserved for people who love each other romantically," Orga explained, his gaze at the floor beside Mikazuki. "It's for people who belong to each other, Mika. Like... you and Atra. Do you understand? I don't have any right to touch you like that because I might own your life... but that's not the same as two people who want, and own each other's hearts."

Mikazuki's grip on Orga's now limp wrist loosened, as he took in his words. He understood Orga's words, but at the same time didn't. What did he mean by what he said? What did Atra have to do with this anyway? Why did Orga look like he was in so much pain? Why wasn't he angry like he usually was when they had a disagreement? Looking at Orga like this made his own chest throb in pain.

"I...don't understand, Orga."

Orga gently tugged his arm away from Mikazuki who simply let his own hand fall by his side.

"Mika. Do you want me? And I don't mean do you belong to me, because I know you've given everything you have to me ten years ago. But what about you? Would you want all of me in return? It's got nothing to do with your loyalty towards me, it's about what you want. Who you want."

Mikazuki's brows knitted in thought. It was a concept he had never really considered before.

"I-"

"Boss! The car is ready!" Ride came rushing into the hangar at that moment, followed by Hush, who had come to aid Mikazuki. "We have to leave now!"

"Alright. I'm coming." Orga replied turning and walking away. "We'll talk about it more later, Mika."

"Okay..."

Once Orga had left, Mikazuki had not much to do apart from stay beside Barbatos, who was having its last check ups, so they could sortie at any time. For once, it was Yamagi doing the checks, as every other able-bodied male was busy and now he wasn't pouring all his time into Ryusei-Go.

"Mikazuki-san! I've come to bring you food, it's lunch time!" Hush came in an hour later, with a packed lunch Atra had prepared earlier in hand.

"Oh..." Mikazuki looked up from the handheld he had been staring at for the last hour, but not actually reading, as he was too busy thinking about what Orga had said earlier. "Not hungry. I'll pass."

"W-W-Are you okay, Mikazuki-san?" Hush looked like he had just witnessed Mikazuki's head roll off. Even Yamagi lowered his handheld, to give Mikazuki a look.

"...dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm sick or something." Mikazuki replied with a shrug.

"What shall we do Yamagi?" Hush cried out in panic. It was true that Mikazuki refusing food was probably the end of the world.

"I don't know!?" Yamagi exclaimed, wondering why suddenly he was expected to know how to remedy it.

"What happened, Mikazuki-san?" Hush carried on, rushing to his side. "Are you in pain?"

"...Kinda feels really uncomfortable here...like it's tight..." Mikazuki tapped his chest. Hush started to ramble on about how they could get medical help, which the other two didn't seem to be listening to.

"...And when did it start?" Yamagi asked with a sigh. Hush was driving him crazy with the amount of noise he was making when he was trying to work and probably would carry on, unless they got to the bottom of this.

"Erm... two days ago." Mikazuki replied, after a moment of thought.

"Can you think of any reason?"

"It started feeling weird... when Orga said he didn't want sex with me anymore." Mikazuki replied, as he tried to track back to when it started.

Hush spluttered loudly and went red, falling silent while Yamagi sighed deeply, putting his handheld terminal down. He couldn't believe that, in this situation, their ace pilot was basically... love sick. And even better still, he wasn't aware of it.

"So basically, you and the boss broke up and that's why you are probably feeling this way."

"Broke up?"

"...Well, you two were... umm... lovers, right?"

"I dunno."

"Well you two must have liked each other in that way enough to do stuff with each other, and if the boss called it off, it's what's called a break up..."

"So that's what it's called? Didn't know there was a word for it."

"W-Wait... isn't Mikazuki-san and... Atra... and Kudelia-san...er... l-lovers..." Hush remembered the scene earlier when they were leaving, where the girls had kissed the pilot. Mikazuki looked at him with a puzzled look.

"No? Atra and Kudelia are both cute and I want them to be happy, but we aren't lovers."

Yamagi was starting to understand what probably happened. He took a long, deep breath. Was it a common trait among the higher ranked Tekkadan members to be this dense in regards to romance? It was starting to look like it was. Everyone was so, _so_ stupid. This was including himself, but it was a bit too late for him.

"...and have you told Boss about that?"

"...About what?"

"How you feel about the girls."

"No?" Mikazuki looked at the younger blonde with a look that said _"What does that have to do with anything?"_.

"...or how you feel about him?"

"No." To Mikazuki it was obvious. Surely Orga understood everything about him without him having to say it out loud.

"You know, you have to tell someone you like them if you like them. They... might just be waiting for you to say how you feel. If you don't... you might regret it." Yagami said, his voice tinged with pain. "...Like I do." The last few words were mostly to himself.

Mikazuki considered this for a moment. What Yagami said fitted in with all the weird questions Orga was asking earlier. So that was what Orga wanted to confirm all this time? The answer was pretty easy now. Of course he wanted Orga. Every part of him. Because they belonged together. Weren't they married a long time ago, just not on paper? They had that special bond? Wasn't that what Orga had said, himself? If all it took for him to reach Orga was for him to put it into words, that was easy. He'd tell him as soon as he came back from Chryse.

"...I get it now. Thanks Yamagi." he said and turned to Hush, holding out his hand. "Actually I wanna eat. Pass the food. Hurry up."

 _Am I...dead?_

The thought crossed Orga's mind as his body slumped on the pavement. He could hear a car pulling away and Ride's screams, the pounding of the floor as someone ran towards him. But it was slowly fading away; the sounds around him and the pain throbbing at his back gradually dissolving into a soft, floating feeling. He felt weightless and free, like there was nothing holding him down. Everything around him was white, as far as he could see, and there was nothing around him, just dazzling light.

 _I guess I am..._

 _...Mika..._

Memories started to flash past him like ghosts.

A very young Mikazuki sharing a blanket with him when they lived on the streets and how Orga felt like he couldn't just leave this boy by himself, when the younger boy fell asleep on his shoulder, looking so peaceful.

That terrifying, demonic look that came upon the young boy's face, when that man hurt Orga.

The pleased look on Mikazuki's face the first time he tried a Mars palm date.

The casual shrug he gave when the third Alaya-Vijnana operation was a success.

That time Orga was force fed those stupid bitter palm dates by Mikazuki, because he was convinced he wasn't eating enough. Thinking about it now, no one else really worried about his wellbeing like that.

Once, last year when he had gone on a short business trip with Naze, he came back late at night and found that Mikazuki was already in his room. The boy simply walked up to him and hugged him without a word.

 _Guess Mika was right... I do fuck up when he's not around..._

 _… He's gonna be so mad I went and got myself killed..._

 _...and he's gonna be mad I've not given him back his gun he's had since we were kids...hope someone gives it back to him..._

Orga now faintly remembered that conversation he overheard. About how there was a possibility people were reborn once they died. It sounded highly unlikely, a story people made up to make themselves feel better.

 _...But if it's true...that would be kinda nice. Please let it be true..._

He started to feel sleepy, his eyelids feeling heavy. It wasn't so bright around him now and everything around him was fading to black.

 _Then in the next life... next time... I will tell Mika...properly..._

 _...That... I..._

Mikazuki was sitting on the bridge, thinking about what he was going to say to Orga. It was going to be a simple reply to his earlier question.

 _I want everything you are, Orga. I love you._

Suddenly, a intense feeling of dread came across him, making his stomach knot and churn in fear. Mikazuki knew, deep down what had happened, though now every fibre of his being was trying to deny any knowledge.

"Orga?"

A single tear ran down his cheek.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading my first fanfic in a very long time! I hope you liked my work! I write original m/m fiction currently serializing on Fictionpress, so if you have time please check it out too!At ~cassisgummi

I hope you will continue to support me on my next fanworks (If I decide to take that AU idea on...or some other XD)


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